| Canada's Immigration Problem
The following is an excerpt from an "underground" Manitoba newspaper:
The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop illegal immigration. The actions of President Bush are prompting the exodus of left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, and agree with Bill O'Reilly. Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights activists, and Unitarians crossing their fields at night.
"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. "The producer was cold and hungry, and asked me if I could spare a latte and some free range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left. Didn't even get a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"
In an effort to stop illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers that blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields. "Not real effective...the liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much they wouldn't give milk."
Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, and drive them across the border to leave them to fend for themselves. "A lot of these people aren't prepared for rugged conditions", and Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a drop of water, but they did have a nice Napa Valley Cabernet."
When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about the Bush administration establishing re-education camps, in which lierals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR. In recent days, liberals have turned to sometimes-ingenious ways of crosing the border. Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration officials started quizzing supposed senior-citizen passengers about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney hits to prove they were alive in the 1950's. "If they can't identify the accordian player on 'The Lawrence Welk Show', we get suspicious about their age", an official said.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies. "I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them", and Ottowa resident said. :How many art history, philosophy, or english majors does one country need?"
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