On the day of Stephanie’s passing my tarot card read...

The Wheel of fortune.

And as you all know me, I go way over b ored with thinking entirely way too much about over analyzing the situation.... Maybe Tarot's aren't such a good thing to dive into, but I found it comforting.
The primal shape of the wheel and energy of the whell has drawn me into its vortex. The Wheel has a cosmic scope that transcends time and place, yet it is found in infinite varieties in us all. It's a vehichle of change, and I'm here to enjoy the ride... well somedays I enjoy the ride.

The Wheel of fortune reminds me of the only constant in the Universe... CHANGE. People Change. Existence is a series of changes, and thus we turn the wheel to the next phase so we can experience it. We must travel on the Wheel to experience the journey, and to evolve. The only way off this ride is either to let momentum fling you onto yet another wheel and another track, or to go through the center of the Wheel, the hub which does not turn, the eye of the revolving storm. To return to the center is to return to the Eternal Source, to join with the One and the Zero. (The Wheel = X = 10 = 1 + 0).

The design for the Wheel card started out with a vision of an infinite number of wheels interconnected throughout the universe, like cogs in a cosmic clock. If you know the Heather at all that I am, I am always paying close attention to how certain people or just myself tick. Well, in time Stephanie and I grew to become chatting on the internet buddies, an occasional phone call, after the fact of what happened in the past happened in the past.

At the top left is the enigmatic Sphinx, intersecting the Earth wheel like a strange quark in a particle accelerator collision. The Sphinx represents the mystical goal: "To know, to will, to dare, and to keep silent". As in the Rider-Waite deck, the Sphinx is ascendant at the top of the Wheel. The Sphinx is older than recorded time, yet even its potent mysteries eventually erode and evolve into other forms.

At the bottom left is a spiraling DNA strand, indicating the force of creative evolution as it weaves its way through the universe. This spiraling strand is reminiscent of the snake on the Wheel in the Rider-Waite card, although instead of the destructive power of Set/Typhon (Egyptian god of chaos, storms, and the desert) here it represents the creative possibilities of Life.

At the top right is the planet Jupiter, which has been attributed to the Wheel of Fortune. "The Great Red Spot" on Jupiter is one of our solar system's most famous "wheels", always turning, always changing, awesome in its rotating force and splendor.

The borders on the card flow from green Earth (bottom left) to red Fire (bottom right) to blue Water (top right) to yellow Air (top left), representing the four primal elements. The title on the card echoes the circular shape and function of the Wheel, with the "X" reminiscent of an atom and its spiraling electrons.

The Wheel indicates necessary change, and the interconnectedness of forces that lead to and from change. To evolve, one must accept and embrace change.
Reversed, the Wheel symbolizes a stubbornness and reluctance for change. You are stuck in a rut, but you may be satisfied with where you are. This may also indicate an intolerance of the beliefs and views of others.

At first Stephanie and I were very unable to see the fact that we were reluctant for change. It wasn't until she moved back down here, that we were able to be civil adults and speak and talk and chat about things that other girls chat about. Never did I ever think we would have been the chit chatty friends. I just look back and wonder why did we have to spend the year and a half or so of really being in the same place and the same time knowing that we had said cross words and hated each other for that... typical girls I know. And just three weeks ago, we were speaking.

I almost wonder and question and doubt if she knew she was going to die. Some people have a feeling of uncertainty. Abe did. Remember his dream. He dreamed about his death two weeks before he was shot. Maybe someone up there wanted things to be in extacy when she passed. But it just makes me double question the saying what goes around comes around and comes back again, because I wish we had had the chance to really get to know each other, and not take our life here for granted.

One of the last times I remember seeing her, was when Bert and I rode over to Marcs house and got our tv that we now have in our living room. We weren't on speaking terms then. And boy, she and I would have both been killed if looks could kill. Stephanie at one time had on her profile heading... "If looks could kill then staring would be my profession." I'm getting chills just remembering the saying she had up there. I wish we could have done more than stare. If I had known it would have been my last time seeing her, I think I would have at least said hi. But like the card read that morning... we were both stubborn.

I am just rambeling right now, as so many of us that have known Stephanie have been lately. I wish I could think of something else to write about in my blog. I wish I could have know her better. Being an outsider, I wanted to fit in... Stephanie thought I tried too hard to fit in. Maybe I had already fit in with a place in her mind....

oh well all for today.

__________________
Make the stupid people please shut up!

when people grow older they grow up.
its sad.
I've turned a new leaf to not be such a jackass.
I'm not that way all the time, just when people try to blow smoke up my ass.
I call there hand to it, and as some think create drama.
Whatever you want to call it.
I hope people will forgive me for being a jerk to them.
Thanks
B

I forgive you.

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We're adults. When did that happen? And how do we make it stop?

I was always nice to you wasn't I?

Of course you were.

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We're adults. When did that happen? And how do we make it stop?

whew

thats cool

I forgive you. If you are serious about turning a new leaf.

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Support local music, sleep with a musician.

I have been doing some serious reflecting on how I act, and speak to people. I do come across arrogant, and a jerk sometimes but ask any that knows me well.
I'm a nice guy once you get to know me.
I don't want any, I mean any enemies, or people that say that cat is an asshole.

I wasn't mean to you was I?

Nice to see that, Bert. I'll try to turn over a new leaf as well.

Heather,
Yes, change is the only constant, as wiser men and women than I have said. And reflecting on that can sometimes remind you... No one is psychic, and not even those tarot cards can truly read the future. One can know what is in her heart and decide or judge her on that merit, but future sight is an ability of God and no one else. Knowing that, how can you truly feel responsible for your emotions toward Stephanie? One might find that illogical, as I do. Take comfort in knowing that if you had known her end was nigh, your treatment of her would have changed profoundly.
And you might argue that it took her death to bring from within you love for her, but at least now you know that it was there all along.

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Censor this, bitch.

Totally... at least we can see eye to eye on something, Ron.

__________________
Make the stupid people please shut up!