DEAR ALCOHOL...

Cherry-Bomb Productions · 05-06-2007, 08:34 PM

Dear Alcohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My
friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around during the holidays! Hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings.

However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is
important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity take place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating:Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball sandwich and some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after! A few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to
do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the
front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting
ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's
debauchery may be in order, but the 3 p.m. hangover immobility is
completely unacceptable! My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the
proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down! on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.

In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review
my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3 p.m. (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership. Thank you.

Your biggest fan,

P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative
2.Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Oily Linoleum

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

Cherry-Bomb Productions · 05-07-2007, 09:38 AM

NOT COMPLETELY,BUT I DID MAKE MY CONTRIBUTIONS TO IT...
AN EX-ROOM MATE OF MINE SENT IT TO ME,IT WAS HER IDEA,;I JUST HAD TO SHARE IT WITH EVERYONE.(BUT;IT DOES FIT ME,EHH?)

sweetnsassy · 05-07-2007, 10:40 AM

Funny, I like the phone call part. I'm definately a drunk dialer!

05-06-2007, 08:34 PM	#1 (permalink)
Cherry-Bomb Productions MODERATOR BY DAY / NINJA BY NIGHT GCB Senior Citizen Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: A Padded Cell Posts: 2,744 Rep Power: 46	DEAR ALCOHOL... Dear Alcohol, First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around during the holidays! Hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences: 1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity take place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night? 2. Eating:Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball sandwich and some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after! A few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time. 3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock. 4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3 p.m. hangover immobility is completely unacceptable! My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down! on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities. Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3 p.m. (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership. Thank you. Your biggest fan, P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Innovative 2.Preliminary 3. Proliferation 4. Cinnamon THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Specificity 2. British Constitution 3. Passive-aggressive disorder 4. Oily Linoleum THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex. 2. Nope, no more beer for me. 3. Sorry, but you're not really my type. 4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight? 5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing __________________ -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- www.myspace.com/cherry_bomb_productions www.myspace.com/octavedownband नमस्ते THERE'S NOTHING LIKE A TRAIL OF BLOOD TO HELP YOU FIND YOUR WAY BACK HOME!!! 7

05-07-2007, 09:38 AM	#2 (permalink)
Cherry-Bomb Productions MODERATOR BY DAY / NINJA BY NIGHT GCB Senior Citizen Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: A Padded Cell Posts: 2,744 Rep Power: 46	NOT COMPLETELY,BUT I DID MAKE MY CONTRIBUTIONS TO IT... AN EX-ROOM MATE OF MINE SENT IT TO ME,IT WAS HER IDEA,;I JUST HAD TO SHARE IT WITH EVERYONE.(BUT;IT DOES FIT ME,EHH?) __________________ -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- www.myspace.com/cherry_bomb_productions www.myspace.com/octavedownband नमस्ते THERE'S NOTHING LIKE A TRAIL OF BLOOD TO HELP YOU FIND YOUR WAY BACK HOME!!! 7

05-07-2007, 10:40 AM	#3 (permalink)
sweetnsassy Band Whore Join Date: May 2006 Age: 34 Posts: 424 Rep Power: 28	Funny, I like the phone call part. I'm definately a drunk dialer! __________________ Live every day to the fullest! Love like it's your last day here and never forget the people who mean the most to you!