Lawyer Jokes

wilthrill · 11-01-2007, 09:27 AM

Alright, I'm tired of being so damn serious.

To that end I will start the ball rolling and would like to hear any good lawyer jokes you guys have heard.

First the old chestnut

Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy

You are trapped in an elevator with a rattlesnake, Osama Bin Laden, a lawyer and a gun with two bullets. What do you do?
Shoot the lawyer twice

Cherry-Bomb Productions · 11-01-2007, 01:02 PM

1. Any person with a valid Alabama State hunting license may harvest attorneys.

2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.

3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.

4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.

5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.

6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.

7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.

8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.

9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.

10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.

11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.

BAG LIMITS

1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder 2
2. Two-faced Tort Feasor 3
3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator 5
4. Big-mouthed Pub Gut 2
5. Honest Attorney EXTINCT
6. Cut-throat 2
7. Back-stabbing Whiner 2
8. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser 2
9. Silver-tongued Drug Defender $100 bounty

Cherry-Bomb Productions · 11-01-2007, 01:03 PM

A lawyer calls his client to tell him about his fee schedule.

"Alright," the lawyer says looking through his papers. "You owe me $1000 down and $417.58 cents each month for the next thirty-six months.

"What! That sounds like a car payment schedule," retorted the client.

"Your right. It's mine."

wilthrill · 11-02-2007, 08:32 AM

Now this is what I'm talking about!!! That is some funny shit! I didn't know the state of Alabama was so enlightened.

I liked #3,#5,#6,#11 and agree that the backstabbing divorce litigator is one of the "more prized kills".

11-01-2007, 09:27 AM	#1 (permalink)
wilthrill Band Whore Join Date: Dec 2004 Posts: 825 Rep Power: 46	Lawyer Jokes Alright, I'm tired of being so damn serious. To that end I will start the ball rolling and would like to hear any good lawyer jokes you guys have heard. First the old chestnut Why won't sharks attack lawyers? Professional courtesy You are trapped in an elevator with a rattlesnake, Osama Bin Laden, a lawyer and a gun with two bullets. What do you do? Shoot the lawyer twice

11-01-2007, 01:02 PM	#2 (permalink)
Cherry-Bomb Productions MODERATOR BY DAY / NINJA BY NIGHT GCB Senior Citizen Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: A Padded Cell Posts: 2,744 Rep Power: 46	Rules and Bag Limits for Hunting Lawyers 1. Any person with a valid Alabama State hunting license may harvest attorneys. 2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited. 3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash. 4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft. 5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys. 6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships. 7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys. 8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals. 9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it. 10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin. 11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys. BAG LIMITS 1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder 2 2. Two-faced Tort Feasor 3 3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator 5 4. Big-mouthed Pub Gut 2 5. Honest Attorney EXTINCT 6. Cut-throat 2 7. Back-stabbing Whiner 2 8. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser 2 9. Silver-tongued Drug Defender $100 bounty __________________ -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- www.myspace.com/cherry_bomb_productions www.myspace.com/octavedownband नमस्ते THERE'S NOTHING LIKE A TRAIL OF BLOOD TO HELP YOU FIND YOUR WAY BACK HOME!!! 7

11-01-2007, 01:03 PM	#3 (permalink)
Cherry-Bomb Productions MODERATOR BY DAY / NINJA BY NIGHT GCB Senior Citizen Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: A Padded Cell Posts: 2,744 Rep Power: 46	A lawyer calls his client to tell him about his fee schedule. "Alright," the lawyer says looking through his papers. "You owe me $1000 down and $417.58 cents each month for the next thirty-six months. "What! That sounds like a car payment schedule," retorted the client. "Your right. It's mine." __________________ -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- www.myspace.com/cherry_bomb_productions www.myspace.com/octavedownband नमस्ते THERE'S NOTHING LIKE A TRAIL OF BLOOD TO HELP YOU FIND YOUR WAY BACK HOME!!! 7

11-02-2007, 08:32 AM	#4 (permalink)
wilthrill Band Whore Join Date: Dec 2004 Posts: 825 Rep Power: 46	Now this is what I'm talking about!!! That is some funny shit! I didn't know the state of Alabama was so enlightened. I liked #3,#5,#6,#11 and agree that the backstabbing divorce litigator is one of the "more prized kills".